JAMs Jams. Pure. Real. Fresh.

Thats what I feel like I need to tell myself today. I was a tough girl this morning - didn't take any pain meds last night, just tylenol this morning so I could drive the kids to school & go to the grocery store.  That was a rude awakening.  I guess the grocery store is a lot farther than the walk around 2 blocks I did yesterday because when I got home I was exhausted and hurting.  Had to relent and take a pain pill.  What is it with those things?  You know you need them, you know the doctor gave you them for a damn good reason and yet you don't want to take it.  I don't feel bad when I take them, not loopy or sick or dizzy or anything.  They switched me to a different one so I don't get the "hangover headache" anymore either.  And still I fight myself about taking them.  You better believe I'll be taking one tonight. So, here's a story.  Last night was the night to change the bandage for the first time.  We go to CVS to get...

If you don't count the emotional basket case courtesy of the pain meds, I'm doing just fine.  Eriana helped me take a shower this morning - I think they must've used an entire case of betadine on my left leg.  The wound looks okay, some swelling we will keep an eye on.  And then there's the pain.    I'm not going to say much about that.  Anybody who's had major surgery knows that feeling. My sweethearts. Eriana is cracking me up - she is taking FULL advantage of Mommy being out of commission - sees it as a reason to get extra snuggles and watch a lot of movies.  Emilia is the sweetest of the sweet, helping so much.  And Kendall is truly the best husband anybody could dream of having.  He really doesn't want me to lift a finger which is nearly impossible for me.  So he's finding things I can do without too much difficulty. The girls are fighting a lot.  I can't attibute that to anything except stress.  My temper is ...

Well it's been quite a 24 hours. I wasn't allowed to eat after midnight Thursday. Surgery wasn't scheduled until 3 pm yesterday so Kendall & I made good use of a free morning. We ran some errands & had nice long massages! Got to the hospital about 12.30. They are experts at Vanderbilt on every aspect of the experience. They have surgery processing down to a science. So they called us to the pre-op area around 1. Said they were ahead of schedule - never heard of that. Anyway, they had it going in pre-op. fantastic nurses. Gorgeous, I mean excellent, anesthesioloists. Spent about 30 minutes there then off to the OR. The last thing I remember is them making me crawl from the gurney to the operating table. I'm sure my hiney was flapping in the breeze. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the Recovery room with more awesome nurses. It was hard to talk from having the tube down my throat but they gave me some sprite. I hate sprite but it just may be the best thing ...

To L.U.M.P. tomorrow afternoon!  My surgery is at 3; we have to be there around 12.30 so it will be a long 24 hours waiting for that to get here, but I am ready.  Bring it on. I will try to get Kendall to post when we know I survived.  They told me today the surgery will be about 3 hours plus an hour in recovery and that they are pretty sure I will spend at least tomorrow night at the hospital.  Better pain meds that way! Appreciate all your prayers & well wishes.  Talk to you on the "other side".

Several people have asked specifically what type of cancer I have.  What I have been diagnosed with is called a "synovial sarcoma".  Sarcomas are very rare - there are 20-30 different kinds so each kind occurs pretty infrequently.  This type of sarcoma generally involves a tumor near a joint.  So mine is somewhat unusual.  This type also typically occurs in males and more often in teenagers.  Again, I'm unusual.  No surprise there.  There are only a handful of centers in the country with specialists in sarcoma.  I'm lucky that Vanderbilt has both medical and radiation oncologists who specialize in sarcoma.  The size of my tumor is pretty small - about 2.5cm x 1.7cm.  We will know much more about the pathology of my tumor after surgery, when they have had time to thoroughly study it in a lab.  That is the information they will use to determine what treatment comes next.   Me with Julianna & Caraline a couple years ag...

Spoke to the best nurse practioner ever who apologized and totally "got it" with how I was feeling.  My faith in medical humanity is hereby restored. And more good news, surgery will be Friday!  Yes, this Friday.  I'm excited to get this moving.  I'll be home for a couple weeks after that then we will figure out what next in terms of chemo & radiation. And guess what, it gets better - we had already planned for the girls' favorite person of all time to spend the night Friday, so she will be there to keep them distracted and help Kendall.  God was planning that one, I'm pretty sure. Nana. So, now I'm feeling the image (I'm a bit slow these days).  This is a picture of my "new" Mom's Mom - "Nana" who passed away a couple of years ago.  This morning, Maryann sent me a story about how determined Nana was, how she faced tough situations with not only grit and raw determination but with grace and elegance.  The story mad...

 WARNING:  Rollercoaster Post Follows....  So, for the most part the long & torturous wait for results is over.  The PET scans showed nothing else in my body except for the one malignant tumor in my left upper thigh.  At least thats the best I can tell from the very short and impersonal electronic messages I get from my physician's nurse.  Really?  How about a damn phone call people.  This is my life we are talking about. OK, deep breathe, I'm okay.  Really I'm thrilled that they found nothing else - no tumors anywhere else in my entire body.  That is fanastic news!   But, I kind of feel like we're right back where we were two weeks ago though when we first met with the Orthopedic Oncologist.  One tumor, so now what? Here is the verbatim I got from the nurse today:  Dr Holt says, "let her know that the disease is limited to her thigh and we will arrange surgery soon". So, now all of you are as fired up as me ri...

So the saying goes... For now, that's my story & I'm sticking to it. We are looking forward to hearing from Dr Holt Monday with good news and clarity on next steps. I told Emilia the "cancer" part of the story last night. She is so much like Kendall & I. Pretty much her reaction was, well, not much of a reaction. She said she hopes I don't lose my hair because it's beautiful. I'm glad she knows. She & I had a fun overnight to Chattanooga; she did well in her meet today. Kendall & Eri took the Mini & traded it for a gorgeous candy apple red Taurus with lots of cool technology. End of an era... In a month we will be a 2 car family again. More when I know more. Don't stop praying, chanting, drinking wine, or mustering up positive karma however you do that! It's going to work, I just know it!

 The vial that they bring the injection in  Well, my first PET scan is behind me.  Really, it wasn't so bad.  They put you in a little room in a recliner of sorts, start an IV & shoot a radiotracer into you.  Its really pretty cool how it works - the radiotracer rides on sugar molecules to the parts of your body that are "active" (I think translates to where the cancer is).  Evidently cancer likes sugar more than other parts of your body.  So you wait an hour for it to get all into your body then they put you on the table - much like a CT scan but the machine is a lot bigger and it takes a lot longer.  This is pretty much what it looks like.  We were there for about 2 hours total.  You can't eat or drink for 6 hours beforehand - I guess so your blood sugar will be good & low & the sugar will move fast!  A PET/CT Scanning Machine  Now, we wait.  This part is really hard - sitting and waiting.  I...

Well, a little over 24 hours until I am in the PET scanner.  I can't wait.  Its the next step in tackling this thing head on.  Kendall told me yesterday that he will go with me which made my day. There really isn't much else to report in my life right now.  I'm good today - over yesterday's funk and back to warfighting mode.  I have been truly touched in the last few days by all the people who have reached out to me.  Some people I barely know have bared their souls and their emotions.  Others have offered to help in any way they can - I just don't know what help I need at this point.  Its been already such a positive outcome of this situation.  One thing I realized today that I think is worth sharing (hah, you may disagree completely when you get done!) is that we never know the impact any given situation or interaction is going to have on someone else.  My dad shared a story with me today about when I passed the fitness test to get...

Well, I knew eventually I would get here to this point - I'm mad.  Not at any individual or any particular thing, just mad at the world.  Feeling a bit sorry for myself too.  Bad combination for a Monday morning.  If I stop & actually think, I have no reason to be mad.  I'm going to beat this damn thing, but it sure is inconvenient.  Its disrupting my life, my family's life, my work. So when I got to my office this morning, I had a card & an adorable Willow Tree Angel of Prayer.  The words on the card cracked me up - it says "Even if you didn't have kids, you'd be the toughest mother I've ever known.  If I were cancer I'd be nervous."  It was exactly what I needed to start changing my outlook from anger back to aggression.  Another thing happened this morning, I have this on my wall in my office - I haven't looked at it in ages but this morning it jumped out at me as if it were surrounded by neon lights!  I can't remember...

A friend sent me this Dr Seuss poem last night.  Its really long so I won't include the whole thing here - you can easily google it.  This section in particular seemed relevant to our current situation. ... And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike, And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. ... Funny how a kids' poem can speak to a 40 year old Mom!  Maybe the next few months will be "Hakken-Kraks howl".  Even though I'm pretty sure I'm going to be pretty sore (for real!), it won't...

Why is it that when we want time to fly by it doesn't?  And when we want it to crawl, so we can savor every moment, it moves at the speed of lightning?  So, the question is at what pace does it move when you want both those things at the same time? I'm tired today...  There's a lot on my mind at night these days and when the house is quiet and everyone is sleeping peacefully, its a good time to think.  Or play scrabble on the ipad.  Doesn't make for a very well-rested Judy in the morning though. Today's picture is Kendall running a half marathon this fall.  I love this picture because both of his feet are off the ground at the same time.  He is literally suspended in the air and I caught it with my camera!  He kicked butt in that race, but then I think he kicks butt in every race.  Merely finished 13.1 miles is kicking butt to me.  Doing it as fast as Kendall does is something I can't even process.  For him, running is therape...

What the hell?  Really.  Could someone please tell me what the reason is for this current challenge? Today's another day (duh).  This morning I let my parents know.  Kendall said to me this morning - you need to tell them.  He was right!  Dad was a real trooper, very realistic about just go get this thing and beat it.  I needed that encouragement and I feel good that I have that off my chest.  One thing I have already learned is that I have to listen to people.  Not that I necessarily have to do what each person advises, but in this short time, I have discovered that most people have the need to give their perspective, advice, or experience as much a coping mechanism as anything else.  And I have already started treasuring those conversations. Wow, I never knew that people actually read the stuff you write and put on the internet.  Its not really my style to share my deepest personal thoughts with people, but my dear friend en...

Where do I start...  At the beginning I suppose but that seems so far back, so I will start with the present and work backwards.  Today is another roller coaster day.  This morning during a meeting I actually, for a few minutes, forgot about my diagnosis.  When I realized that it was like waking up to a splash of cold water.  For a few minutes this morning, everything was just like it used to be.  And then it wasn't. Its hard to believe that less than a week ago, I didn't know I have cancer.  For those who don't know, here is my story.  In August I noticed a tiny pea-sized lump in my left groin.  I had my primary care doctor, whom I adore and trust beyond all trust, check it out.  She was unconcerned, thinking it was a little cyst & would go away on its own.  I realized in late November that it was significantly larger & she said she'd like to check it out again.  By the time I could make an appointment to see he...