Wednesday, April 30, 2014
I find myself drawn to writing on here around the time of each quarterly check up. Last Monday was scans & I saw the orthopedic oncologist. Thursday I saw the sarcoma oncologist. All was well, thank god, but there is no feeling like that wondering what they will say. Every quarter is all comes flooding back - just going in the cancer clinic makes me want to vomit - thank goodness I don't have to go by the chemo clinic. I don't even get off on the 2nd floor where chemo is - I go to great lengths to avoid it.
But sitting in the belly of the beast waiting to see my intelligent, sweet, kind oncologist is absolutely hell on earth for me. I feel guilty that I'm healthy looking at the other patients, some of whom are very clearly NOT healthy. I feel thankful that I have, so far, managed to keep my cancer in remission. I feel happy that I don't have to see the doctors and nurses a couple hundred times in a one year span. I feel sad knowing that only the sickest of the sick are at Vanderbilt and many won't make it. Quite the roller coaster.
I always go alone to these check ups and sometimes I wonder why. I think its so that if there is bad news, I can process and digest it before I have to share it. One of my biggest fears is having to call Kendall & tell him its back. I don't even consider this a possibility until its time for one of the check ups - so I measure life in those increments. In six more months I will be at the two year mark - that means two more sets of scans with clear outcomes & I go to the six month frequency. My chances of recurrence, while still there, drop dramatically after year 2.
The first quarter of 2014 hasn't been the easiest one ever - but the challenges we are facing at home and work pale in comparison to what I was dealing with at this point 2 years ago. I always have that as perspective, which is definitely one of the positive side effects of my experience.
A friend told me a couple weeks ago that I need to find a way to use my cancer experience as a positive force in others' lives. I am hopeful that one day I will be strong enough to do that, but for now its mine - I am not ready to share it because its so personal, so painful, so hard.
In other news from the Musgrove family, my Dad has moved over to Jupiter living in a really nice retirement home near my brother. His health isn't great - last week he had bypass surgery. Talk about a double whammy - bypass surgery for Dad & cancer scans for me. No wonder I was eating donuts last week! My brother & his family are wonderful - we went & stayed in their beautiful home at Spring Break. Kendall is great - still running. The girls are good. Eriana is crazy & makes us laugh nonstop. Her parent teacher conference last week was a delight - evidently she is not only funny & entertaining but she is sharp as a razor! Raising a teenage girl is almost as hard as chemo. Middle school is a tough gig - I am looking forward to high school! EB decided to go to Father Ryan High School - a Catholic school near us. Its larger than her current school & therefore offers more opportunities. Back to having two kids at two different schools. Our nanny right now is Dana, whom we all love. She has 2 little boys who will steal your heart. She fits in so well with our crazy family and sure does make our lives easier.
The summer will be busy, as always in the Musgrove house. The girls are in various camps & we are hoping to have our nieces come & stay for a week or so. We are trying to work in a cruise with my Dad & my brother's family - schedules are so hard though.
Work is good - the housing market hasn't been going great guns in the first quarter between the weather, the issues with transportation, and the fact that our company transitioned to SAP on January 1. Hasn't been the most fun quarter ever. But it mostly keeps me out of trouble!
I'm back on the healthy eating & exercise bandwagon. I've lost a few pounds so far but mostly I'm focused on just eating healthy foods, exercising for enjoyment, and living my life. The drive & will power I had before cancer has evidently been replaced by something much less effective.
So thats the quarterly update from 938 Oak Valley Lane!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Sitting in the waiting room at Vanderbilt, the "belly of the beast" as I think of it. Just a routine (hopefully) three month check up for me. But even being here makes me nauseous. Looking at all the people waiting to see their doctors and get their labs checked brings back so many memories. Some have physical components like feeling sick or my hands sweating. It's just awful.
Monday is the worst day here when everyone comes to see their doctors and start their chemo which they call "infusions" like that makes it better? I'm glad I'm not here on a Monday & I make it a point never to schedule Monday appointments. Thursday is a slow day & there is still a line to check in.
At Vanderbilt the chemo room, or "Infusion suite" as it's called, is on the second floor. So is the cafeteria which has a panda express. Still can't eat that food or go on the second floor here. I can't avoid the main clinic for check ups tho. Without fail every time I come here I see fear on every face. It takes different forms, sometimes tears, sometimes sleep, sometimes blank stares. It's all fear though. The providers do their best, they really do but it feels like they are fighting an unending & worse, unwinable battle. Why?
I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. Yes sure cancer has left marks on me - physical ones like scars, weight gain & swelling but the ones that really matter are the emotional and mental ones. You can't see them & most of the time I try not to feel or acknowledge them. But they are undeniable. There is pride that I survived. Fear that it will come back. Anger that I lost a year of my life to this shit. Sadness that I am unable to recover my fitness level. Joy that I learned so much during the journey. Compassion for everyone else touched by this. I could go on all day with this list but that flies in the face of my suppression strategy.
In an hour I will see the doctor and know what the latest status is for me. In two hours I will be back at work like nothing happened. It's all kinds of jacked up, but it is my life.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2012
I want to wish each of you a very happy and grateful day.
Here is my list of things top of mind for me today.
-I'm thankful I had cancer
-I'm thankful I no longer have cancer
-I'm thankful for modern medicine
-I'm thankful for my adoring & supportive family
-I'm thankful for technology
-I'm thankful for my wonderful friends
-I'm thankful to be alive, with my whole life ahead of me
So I think thats the one change I might make to the list of things I'm thankful for - I'm thankful for the opportunity to use my cancer experience to help others. I hate that others go thru cancer diagnoses and treatments, but as long as that happens, I love being able to provide some little bit of comfort or perspective or many times just listen.
So, I hope that each of you has a wonderful Turkey Day tomorrow surrounded by whatever makes you happy - be that family, friends, pets, or sometimes nothing at all. Savor the moments and the experiences.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
So much for my promise to write more regularly huh. Yikes, its been over two weeks since I last wrote a word.
I did finish our Paris photo book - http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AZM2bVy3bM27iY.
Its been a whirlwind since we got back - traveling a lot for the end of the year. With all the craziness going on in my office, I've learned its better to be on the road! It stinks for the family but it does allow me to keep my sanity. Luckily I have about 10 trips in the next 3 months!
Hard to believe next week is Thanksgiving. Kendall's mom comes on Tuesday so we will enjoy having her for a few days. I think Emilia & I are going to brave the Black Friday madness next Friday, just for the experience.
Our puppies are getting bigger & bigger. We are hoping to go see them & pick our boy next weekend. He should be ready to come home a week or so before Christmas. We keep telling Jessie to enjoy her last few weeks as an only dog.
Friday, November 8, 2013
The flight home was awesome - we went from Paris to Cincinatti (who knew they had international flights there!). The plane was brand new & less than half full so we could stretch out. And customs was a breeze with not much traffic there. We were home by 5.00 but of course that was midnight for us. Still feeling a little tired tonight, but overall we are doing just fine.
Busy weekend of course - catch up from being gone last weekend & there's a football game Sunday so I lose a day of the weekend. Hoping for another Titans win which will help make the playoffs seem even more possible!
I got some beautiful flowers from my Mom & Dad today - just because. That was an awesome surprise I really appreciated.
Well, not really much else to share - just wanted to report our crazy walking in Paris! It was a wonderful week with my big girl!!
Monday, November 4, 2013
On Thursday we flew from Nashville to Paris thru Atlanta. Plane was packed & we didn't get much sleep but that didn't slow us down in the least!
Saturday we were up & at 'em early, walking from Place de la Concorde all the way down Champs Elysees (stopping for delicious croissants & cafe) to the Arc de Triumph. Climbed up that bad boy all the way to the top on a steep & windy staircase with no landings (thank goodness for that half marathon training!). From there, we went over to the Opera & visited Galleries Lafayette, although we didn't buy a thing!!! Back to the hotel for a quick rest then off to Notre Dame which was spectacular. We had a quiet & quick dinner of pizza which was really yummy! Of course we followed it with crepes!
Sunday we couldn't drag ourselves out of bed quite as early & had a slow French breakfast. Then we headed off to the Louvre - the line was unbelievable so we took some photos & hopped on the metro to Rue Cler, a charming street that feels very Parisian - not touristy at all - we found ourselves amongst the locals as we visited the formagerie, boulangerie, fresh market & butcher to make a little picnic for lunch. Ate that in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower then proceeded all the way to the freakin top of it. I'm not scared of much but I think maybe glass elevators going 81 stories in the air could be one of them. Quite an experience. After that we wandered around the area a bit & headed back to the hotel. Dinner was a long, drawn out French experience at a well known cafe. We've decided we could do without the fancy French food - but baguettes, ham, cheese & croissants work very well for us! Oh, and the crepes and chocolate mousse.
Today was work day - we headed on the long ride out to the expo center in the middle of nowhere, worked for several hours, then headed back downtown. Nice long lunch followed by some shopping. And then we took a stroll at night down the Champs. Weren't too hungry for dinner tonight so I had a sandwich & Emilia had yet another crepe with nutella.
We've done pretty well with our French, me being guided by Emilia who is doing great. We have walked our little feet off! Over 30 miles since Friday morning. I have an "Up" bracelet that tracks our steps & its been quite fascinating to see how far we go. We have only taken a taxi one time except for into the city from the airport, relying on metro & walking to get everywhere. Its hard to say what has been our favorite experience so far - they are all amazing.
Tomorrow after work we are going to Versailles & then on Wednesday night we want to visit the Louvre when it is hopefully less crowded. Thursday we head back to the airport to go home & see our other half whom we miss dearly!
We have walked about 25 miles since we arrived on Thursday...
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I won't lie, its stressful. The day before - especially the night before - and during the tests is freakin awful. I hate it. I really do. I wish I had no idea what a PET scan was & that there weren't 30 CT scans in my electronic records at Vanderbilt. As I was sitting in the waiting room letting the radioactive isotopes work their way thru my body & generally feeling sorry for myself for how much time I have spent in that damn place, I got this quote on my email...
Free Daily Quote- October 29, 2013
"Your journey has molded you for your greater good.
It was exactly what it needed to be.
Don't think that you have lost time.
It took each and every situation that you have encountered to bring you to the now... and now is the right time." -A. Tyson
Really made me pause & think, as you can imagine. I have no clue who A. Tyson is but the quote is right and objectively I know that I'm a better person, better mom, better friend, better wife because of my experiences with cancer. It was just the reminder I needed as I headed into the PET scan behind the huge metal door with the radioactive symbol on it. Funny how sometimes the most random things just wander into your life right when you need them.
So, anyway, I made it thru all the tests & got an all clear report - "No Evidence of Disease". Yay! Its been 13 months since I finished chemo so this was my one year PET scan - glad those damn things are only annual. I go back in three months for a chest x-ray. The orthopedic oncologists have moved me to seeing them every 6 months! The regular oncologist is still every 3 months for at least another year.
This morning we went to Emilia's head's list ceremony - smart little cookie got above a 95% average in all her classes for the first quarter (again). Amazing to me, since I was so thankful that letter grades we had didnt discriminate based on a percentage. My 93.51% was just as much an A as someone's 99.51%... I wouldn't have fared as well as she does in school, for sure. Eriana is smoking it too - reading at halfway thru 2nd grade level when she's only in her 11th week of first grade. She has another fabulous teacher and absolutely loves school!
Eri is very ready for Halloween - she is going to be a leopard. We're supposed to have terrible weather here in Nashville tomorrow so most places are postponing Halloween til Friday night. I'm glad - I don't want the kids & parents out in awful weather.
Here are a couple pics from her on Saturday before a Halloween party. She sure does love this costume!
Well, I think thats all the news thats fit to print. Happy Halloween!