Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Grinch...

Why do I feel like the Grinch handing out candy tonight??? 
  • Maybe its because I see my reflection in the door every time I open it & it makes me mad?  Makes me mad because a year ago I was fit & happy & dressed in a SuperWoman costume.  This year I'm bald, fat & dressed in sweats sitting on the couch.  I wonder if holidays will be like this for a while - reflecting on the shape I was in & what I was doing a year ago.  I suppose its natural to mourn the fit & trim person I was but rather than doing that I am pushing myself to focus on all the lessons I've learned and opportunities I've had in the last year.  Sometimes its not that easy though.
  • Maybe its because some kids come all the way into the house & want to reach into the candy bucket themselves instead of letting me hand it to them?  Those kids by the way get told off & I give them 1 piece instead of the 4 or 5 I give the polite patient kids.
  • Maybe its because some kids inspect what you give them critically & don't even say thank you - let alone Trick or Treat?  And others tell you they don't want Butterfingers, only Skittles or whatever.  Its not Burger King people!!
  • Maybe its because I'm not feeling the Halloween spirit this year like I have the past few years?

Kind of makes me sad - I certainly hope my children aren't behaving like that out there.  And as soon as I get sad & irritated at humanity, there comes a little posse of sweet girls dressed up like princesses who say We love your pumpkins & thank you ma'am.  Sort of restores my faith in parents & humanity.

So our goblins are trick or treating with their friends across the street - Kendall & Jessie are out there with them.  Its chilly here tonight - Eri opted for the warmer "monkey" costume which meant that Kendall & I got out of wearing our coordinating costumes (the plan was for her to be Thing 1, Kendall to be Thing 2 & me to be Cat in the Hat).  Maybe next year.

We had dinner at our neighbor's house before they headed out - which was a treat. They are moving soon which makes me really sad, even though its only a couple miles away. I don't know what Eri will do when she can't run across the street to play with Matt anymore.  They adore each other.


Last night was pumpkin carving night.  I screwed up & forgot to buy pumpkin carving tools so the quality of our work this year was vastly inferior to last year's but we still had a lot of fun doing it together.  Have to remember to get some pumpkin tools this year & put them away with the Halloween decs!  Its one of my favorite things to do. 

Its been a while since I've written so you're probably wondering what else we have been up to.  This past weekend EB & I completed the classroom & confined water (pool) portions of our scuba training in preparation for Curacao.  EB did great - she freaked out one time & it was pretty minor.  It was much more physically taxing than I remembered (of course I was 12 the first time I got certified).  We were in the pool for 5 1/2 hours on Saturday & 3 1/2 hours on Sunday.  Kendall & Eri went to the Titans-Colts game on Sunday while we were diving.  They had a blast!

I've continued to exercise - doing spin class & pilates - about 3 spin classes a week & 2 pilates classes a week.  I feel good, except my muscles are sore all the time & I still get pretty tired at night. Fat foot/leg continues to swell up & I continue to ignore it.  My right shoulder has been extremely painful (I had an old injury to it several years ago).  I've been putting off going to the doctor about it figuring it would get better, but its been 3 weeks now & despite constant dosage of Aleve & a hell of a lot of tylenol its not improving...  Bummer - I guess I am going to have to get it seen to.

And, on the subject all of you are probably tired of hearing about, I have no willpower right now to control my eating.  I trust that will return in time.  One day at a time is how I'm trying to look at it & my nutritionists have been very supportive & patient.  I asked Lisa earlier this week if it was possible I've lost my willpower forever.  She made a great point (as usual) that subconciously I probably feel like I need to treat myself right now.  When I step back, it just seems so incredibly unfair that I actually GAINED weight during chemo.  Like there aren't enough other things to deal with post-cancer and post-chemo, why do I have to endure losing weight again???  I know, pity party right.  It is what it is & I will deal with it in time.  Once again, that whole concept of being patient with myself - easy to plan, easy to say, nearly impossible to do.

My hair is growing like crazy.  My eyebrows especially - had to get them waxed a couple weeks ago & they are all furry again. My eyelashes are back.  The hair on my head is about a 1/4" long & very light in color it seems.  Can't tell yet if that is blonde, brown or grey.  Its soft & fuzzy though - and everybody likes to feel it which cracks me up.  I stopped wearing the scarves, even to work, after the Colorado trip.  That I'm aware of, people haven't really reacted much - which is good.  And I'm much more comfortable without them.

We don't have any plans the rest of this week or this weekend which will be wonderful.  We haven't had a family weekend without plans for several weeks!  So it will be a treat.  Next weekend Kendall & I are going to Jacksonville together & the weekend after that our dear friend Rita is visiting from upstate NY.  Then we head to Palm Beach for Thanksgiving.  Time flies.  I'm traveling for work most of next week - back to the Keys.  I know, rough job.

I hope everyone enjoys a fabulous Halloween.  Welcome to November!!
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