I am really struggling with having the perseverance mentally to finish these last 19 treatments. And I'm ok with admitting that. I'm human after all. I have to imagine its a bit like running a marathon (I've never done that so I'm speculating of course). The closer you get to the finish line, don't the miles seem longer? I've become obsessed, I realized with some friends' help today, with the countdown. And the more I count down, ironically, the more I seem to convince myself that I don't need or want to do all 19 remaining treatments.
Today I even went so far as to ask DR Keedy what would happen to my chances of recurrence if I only did 12 more instead of 19 more. Naturally there is no data so no answer to my question. I'm not a quitter - so why am I telling myself I don't need to finish this?
Maybe because I'm tired
maybe because it sucks
maybe because I'm feeling sorry for myself
maybe because I want my life back
maybe because I'm sick of not being able to exercise or wear my clothes
maybe because I hate committing to do things then having to renig
maybe I'm over having stomach cramps & backaches & a ziplock bag full of meds
maybe I hate having this port & the weird feeling wires in my chest
maybe I can't stand the Taste of saline when they flush it
maybe because I didn't go to med school because I really don't understand or care about stuff like blood counts
Maybe I'd much rather be wearing my steel toe boots around an OSB plant than getting a transfusion
Maybe I really hate being too tired at night to play with my kids or talk to my husband
Maybe I dont like looking bald & different from everyone else
Maybe it bothers me that there is always a looming possibility of delay & I cannot do a thing about it
I have lots of really good reasons to quit. But damn it I am not going to! I am going to 19 more treatments as close to on schedule as possible and I am going to finish this shit once and for all. Chemo is not going to defeat me, no freakin way. I'm done with the pity party & ready for action!
And so, I need help. feels like I'm an addict right now. What help do I need? I need someone, just one person each day, so no more than 19 people total, to go with me to each remaining chemo treatment. I'm going to do what I do best - plan & organize & execute.
So, we have next week covered. Lisa will make sure I go. I do need a volunteer for next Friday.
As best I know it now, here are the rest of the dates.
August 23 - Lisa A
August 24 - Lisa A
Sept 17 - Lisa A
Sept 18 - Lisa A
So, if you Want to volunteer for a day, let me know. My email if you don't have it is Judy.email@example.com.
The first day of the cycle starts early because I have labs & then see the doctor then do chemo. The subsequent days start around 9 or 9.30. The 5 day weeks they last til 3 or 4. The other weeks I'm done by noon. You don't have to drive or entertain me. You just have to make sure I don't quit. In exchange you get my everlasting gratitude. I don't need, to be really honest, help around the house or with the kids or meals - we have that all under control. I just need a responsible person to keep me honest!
Thanks for listening. And helping.