Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Ok I need help

Yep, it's happened. I have finally gotten to where I need to ask for help. Not help on the scale of the garden party thank goodness.

I am really struggling with having the perseverance mentally to finish these last 19 treatments. And I'm ok with admitting that. I'm human after all. I have to imagine its a bit like running a marathon (I've never done that so I'm speculating of course). The closer you get to the finish line, don't the miles seem longer? I've become obsessed, I realized with some friends' help today, with the countdown. And the more I count down, ironically, the more I seem to convince myself that I don't need or want to do all 19 remaining treatments.

Today I even went so far as to ask DR Keedy what would happen to my chances of recurrence if I only did 12 more instead of 19 more. Naturally there is no data so no answer to my question. I'm not a quitter - so why am I telling myself I don't need to finish this?

Maybe because I'm tired
maybe because it sucks
maybe because I'm feeling sorry for myself
maybe because I want my life back
maybe because I'm sick of not being able to exercise or wear my clothes
maybe because I hate committing to do things then having to renig
maybe I'm over having stomach cramps & backaches & a ziplock bag full of meds
maybe I hate having this port & the weird feeling wires in my chest
maybe I can't stand the Taste of saline when they flush it
maybe because I didn't go to med school because I really don't understand or care about stuff like blood counts
Maybe I'd much rather be wearing my steel toe boots around an OSB plant than getting a transfusion
Maybe I really hate being too tired at night to play with my kids or talk to my husband
Maybe I dont like looking bald & different from everyone else
Maybe it bothers me that there is always a looming possibility of delay & I cannot do a thing about it

I have lots of really good reasons to quit. But damn it I am not going to! I am going to 19 more treatments as close to on schedule as possible and I am going to finish this shit once and for all. Chemo is not going to defeat me, no freakin way. I'm done with the pity party & ready for action!

And so, I need help. feels like I'm an addict right now. What help do I need? I need someone, just one person each day, so no more than 19 people total, to go with me to each remaining chemo treatment. I'm going to do what I do best - plan & organize & execute.

So, we have next week covered. Lisa will make sure I go. I do need a volunteer for next Friday.

As best I know it now, here are the rest of the dates.

August 7
August 8
August 20
August 21
August 22
August 23 - Lisa A
August 24 - Lisa A
Sept 4
Sept 5
Sept 17 - Lisa A
Sept 18 - Lisa A
Sept 19
Sept 20
Sept 21

So, if you Want to volunteer for a day, let me know. My email if you don't have it is Judy.musgrove@lpcorp.com.

The first day of the cycle starts early because I have labs & then see the doctor then do chemo. The subsequent days start around 9 or 9.30. The 5 day weeks they last til 3 or 4. The other weeks I'm done by noon. You don't have to drive or entertain me. You just have to make sure I don't quit. In exchange you get my everlasting gratitude. I don't need, to be really honest, help around the house or with the kids or meals - we have that all under control. I just need a responsible person to keep me honest!

Thanks for listening. And helping.

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  1. I am sending you my loving thoughts and prayers from Florida. You are an amazing woman. You are tough! You can do this! Don't look at it as 19 treatments; but as another couple of months til you're done. Ya know when the kids start school and you plan out all their back to school clothes and backpacks and school supplies. Such a frenzy. Then, around November you're like, "Holy cow, it's Thanksgiving? Where did the last few months go? I was just getting ready for it, and now it's passed." It's just a couple of months. You can DO this. Huge hugs. Continue to be strong even when it just SUCKS!

  2. Where do you live? I'm happy to help get you to an appt - I know you're not alone, with a great family to help you out. But there's an added level of commitment when a friend offers, and you've always made good on your commitments. You must finish these - I agree with Adam - focus on each one, not all 19 - just like West Point :). You'll get your life back in full - and do all those wonderful things you articulated. Count me in!! Love, Soo Lee


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